She posted a picture that wasn’t hers and made it seem like it was, so I commented with a link to the original source. She not only deleted the comments, but blocked me. Hahahahah. God I fucking hate when people claim other peoples photography as their own. It’s just wrong. Like, I’m sorry if you’re a bad photographer, don’t claim someone else’s work as you own. That’s completely wrong  illegal. 

Fucking fuck. Why do I always fucking do this. Why can’t I learn that my fucking depression scares people. Fuck. Note to self: Don’t tell people. Don’t. Both times it pushed them away. Because I’m a moody fucking bitch and that’s what happens because then I’m sad and they’re sad and they’re like “I just want to hellpp” and I just sit there and get mad because I didn’t tell them just to get help. And then I get unnecessarily bitchy and then, they stop wanting to talk to you because not only are you a bitch but your’e moody and a bummer. I can’t blame them for distancing themselves from me. I’m a fucking grenade. Note to self: Keep it to yourself. Don’t open up because there’s nothing they can do to help. Put on your happy mask and continue on like you have the past few years. Keep it a secret. Stop thinking “Oh hey maybe I can open up to them because they care.” Because they DO care, and then you push them away. 

Let me start off by saying, recently me and my boyfriend of 16 months broke up. He was my first love, my first boyfriend. My first kiss. I waited a year for him before dating him. Before he even ever took interest in talking to me. Back when i was just another freshman. And then we dated. We had it good. We really did. There wasn’t a cuter couple anywhere, i swear. We were unstoppable and in love. (Don’t believe me? I even made a blog just about how much i loved him. loveyoucansee.tumblr.com) He was my best friend. I was his. But then i started having random bouts of depression. He didn’t know how to make me feel better, and i didn’t know (and therefore couldn’t tell him how) he could help, so he would get upset at me. He stopped caring about me. I got more depressed. He fell out of love with me. And it just got to that point. I guess we both knew it was over. I broke up with him mostly because:

A. He didnt love me anymore 

B. The fact i knew he stopped loving me was making me depressed for months on end and i couldnt deal with the sadness anymore. A lot of the times he took my depression (such as not talking or not being super affectionate) as being bitchy. Which sucked because i was just depressed and he was mad and that made me more sad. It was snowballing

C. I felt so, utterly, impossibly, alone

D. He pretty much called me a bitch

E. I never felt good enough for him

And it was a typical breakup i guess. “Lets just be friends”. Crying (at least on my part. Im sure he couldnt have cared less). Friends trying to comfort me as i sat in my next class and cried. Other people randomly asking “so whats up with you and dj?”

A few guys took interest in me when i was single. I went to see a movie with one of my really good guy friends. Had a great time, really. I hadnt been that happy in soo long. Took my mind off things for a bit.

And me and dj still sit at the lunch table together. I couldnt bring myself to move tables. Its the only connection i have to him still. Im not sure if its hurting me worse to stay, or if itd be worse to change tables.

But you want to know whats crazy? When I said i still wanted to be friends i meant it. For about a month after the breakup we barely talked at all. I tried to maintain our tradition of talking in the halls, but it was clear he didnt want to, so i let him have his space. I understand its something everyone needs sometimes. 

Within the past couple of days though, we’ve actually exchanged a few words. This made me soo happy (“What if we actually can be friends? It’d be wonderful” i remember thinking when we smiled at each other)

You want to know the absolute fucking truth? I miss him. I really, really fucking miss him. I miss him as a best friend. Hes one of the coolest people i know. Ive ever known. When i say i miss him, i dont mean i want him back as a boyfriend. I want to be able to even just hold a conversation with him. 

Today I accidentally sent a text meant for another friend to him. “I miss my best friend”. He angrily replied with “Thats funny because I saw a tumblr post about how you love being single, and then I overheard you tell ashley that you went on your first real ‘date’” (That ‘single’ post was sarcasm by the way. but i guess sarcasm doesn’t translate well over the internet) So we texted back and forth a few times. And I tried to tell him exactly how i felt. But i guess i fucked up because he hasn’t replied. I fuck everything up. I’ve fucked myself up. And i know i’m unlovable. and i know i’m a bitch and a bad girlfriend. And I hate myself for it. I literally hate myself for it.

I just want to talk to him.. just one text. Anything. 

But I know I dont deserve it.

I’ve been thinking about it. Its like. You probably had a crush on this person at some point. And from that point on they were special to you. Then you started dating. Started acknowledging they are special to you. That you’re special to each other. Then you break up with them and BOOM they have to go from someone special to you to someone who’s normal. As if they were never special to you. You have to talk to them like they’re just any old person to you. and I’m sure both pretend that those memories never happened. Pretend we never cuddled or took naps. Pretend we never were in love. Pretend we didn’t used to spend as much time possible together or tell eachother everything. Act like we were never best friends. We just have to act like two people now, completely separate from one another.

So every year me and my brother each have a halloween party. Dad said the days we could have them were the 28th and 29th. Nick has a football game on the 28th so dad made me take that day so nick wouldnt have to miss his game. No one is going to come to my party because the damn highschool has a game friday too so all my friends are gonna wanna go to that. ON TOP OF THAT, my friend kelsey is having her 18th birthday party at the same time. So any of my friends who would miss the football game for me are going to that.

Nicks reasons for not having his party the 28th: he has a football game

My reasons: highschool is having a football game that all my friends are going to. Kelsey is also having a party that day and she has the same friends as me.

It sucks. FML. No one is going to come.

So I guess mom overheard a few girls talking about me today. This year I was one of two homecoming princesses for my grade. The other was a girl named Camry. Mom heard Camry and her friend talking.

The friend: “Camry, I wish it was you and me as the princesses instead of that nerd girl. She is NOT pretty and she’s dumb.” 

What makes me sad isn’t that she called me ugly. I’ve honestly never believed I was pretty. Ever. I have serious problems with my self image which probably isn’t good for me on some subconscious level.. But I don’t care. I live with it. 

What makes me sad isn’t that she called me dumb. I know I’m not. Have all A’s and one B. I may act crazy with my friends if that’s what she’s talking about. But that’s just me being happy and I’m not ashamed of it.

What makes me sad, and what I really don’t understand is how someone could say that in general. Ask anyone, I’m nice to everyone. And its sincere too. I don’t do it to be popular or anything. I’m the sweet quiet girl.. I don’t talk bad about people like that. If I talk badly about someone it’s because they’ve done something wrong (Bragged about getting drunk, been mean to someone who didn’t deserve it, etc.) I’m nice to everyone. How could you just talk bad abut me so easy?  I didn’t think anyone had a problem with me :( It was just really hurtful to know someone thinks badly about me like that.. I wonder if she knows how badly saying things like that can hurt someone

Well first off. I found out I have step throat. Which makes sense because I’ve been getting really bad headaches, my throat hurts like a bitch and hurts to even fucking swallow my own spit, my ear feels like it has a horrible infection, I havent been hungry all week, and I’m so so tired.. All I can do about the strep throat is sleep, drink fluids, and take antibiotics. I can’t sleep because of the pain and I’m sharing a room with my cousin Mrs. Talksalot. I havent been drinking much because my throat hurts. But at least I can take some antibiotics.. And to top off my horrible day my boyfriend left his phone at home so I didnt talk to him practically all day. And he fell asleep right after I sent a text saying how lonely I felt. And now I feel bad for keeping him up and did I mention? I probavly gave him strep throat. I feel like a fucking fantastic girlfriend right now. I just need soneone to talk to and I wish he was awake…

Dear dad, Remember when we had that talk about how you make me feel like I’m not good enough? About how I feel like no matter how hard I try, its never good enough for you? I just made noodles for you. Put my dishes in the sink when I was done. Wiped the counter. Set the noodles out for you and mom. Spent 20 minutes cleaning up after myself. Then you call me down like I made a huge mess because I fucking didn’t put the pan in the fucking dishwasher?! Its not even my week to do the fucking dishes! You say I left a mess because there was one pan in the sink? No matter how hard I try it will never be good enough for you. Its like you can’t believe I can get a job done in one try.

Like a pen pal.. Or like send letters between my boyfriend and I.. But thats be dumb because we talk every day.. Mayyybbee if I went on a trip? I dunno. I really want to do it for the sake of romance and memories. Plus I love to write letters.. I’d love to get a surprise love letter from him in the mail one day.. If it was a surprise..