Let me start off by saying, recently me and my boyfriend of 16 months broke up. He was my first love, my first boyfriend. My first kiss. I waited a year for him before dating him. Before he even ever took interest in talking to me. Back when i was just another freshman. And then we dated. We had it good. We really did. There wasn’t a cuter couple anywhere, i swear. We were unstoppable and in love. (Don’t believe me? I even made a blog just about how much i loved him. loveyoucansee.tumblr.com) He was my best friend. I was his. But then i started having random bouts of depression. He didn’t know how to make me feel better, and i didn’t know (and therefore couldn’t tell him how) he could help, so he would get upset at me. He stopped caring about me. I got more depressed. He fell out of love with me. And it just got to that point. I guess we both knew it was over. I broke up with him mostly because:

A. He didnt love me anymore 

B. The fact i knew he stopped loving me was making me depressed for months on end and i couldnt deal with the sadness anymore. A lot of the times he took my depression (such as not talking or not being super affectionate) as being bitchy. Which sucked because i was just depressed and he was mad and that made me more sad. It was snowballing

C. I felt so, utterly, impossibly, alone

D. He pretty much called me a bitch

E. I never felt good enough for him

And it was a typical breakup i guess. “Lets just be friends”. Crying (at least on my part. Im sure he couldnt have cared less). Friends trying to comfort me as i sat in my next class and cried. Other people randomly asking “so whats up with you and dj?”

A few guys took interest in me when i was single. I went to see a movie with one of my really good guy friends. Had a great time, really. I hadnt been that happy in soo long. Took my mind off things for a bit.

And me and dj still sit at the lunch table together. I couldnt bring myself to move tables. Its the only connection i have to him still. Im not sure if its hurting me worse to stay, or if itd be worse to change tables.

But you want to know whats crazy? When I said i still wanted to be friends i meant it. For about a month after the breakup we barely talked at all. I tried to maintain our tradition of talking in the halls, but it was clear he didnt want to, so i let him have his space. I understand its something everyone needs sometimes. 

Within the past couple of days though, we’ve actually exchanged a few words. This made me soo happy (“What if we actually can be friends? It’d be wonderful” i remember thinking when we smiled at each other)

You want to know the absolute fucking truth? I miss him. I really, really fucking miss him. I miss him as a best friend. Hes one of the coolest people i know. Ive ever known. When i say i miss him, i dont mean i want him back as a boyfriend. I want to be able to even just hold a conversation with him. 

Today I accidentally sent a text meant for another friend to him. “I miss my best friend”. He angrily replied with “Thats funny because I saw a tumblr post about how you love being single, and then I overheard you tell ashley that you went on your first real ‘date’” (That ‘single’ post was sarcasm by the way. but i guess sarcasm doesn’t translate well over the internet) So we texted back and forth a few times. And I tried to tell him exactly how i felt. But i guess i fucked up because he hasn’t replied. I fuck everything up. I’ve fucked myself up. And i know i’m unlovable. and i know i’m a bitch and a bad girlfriend. And I hate myself for it. I literally hate myself for it.

I just want to talk to him.. just one text. Anything. 

But I know I dont deserve it.

Because he’s cool as fuck.

I would really love to have friendship bracelets with my boyfriend.. Just simple ones.. Nothing girly.. Heck they could just be a few black strings just braided together.. I dont know why. I just think itd be really cool.. Hahah :)

Handsome :) he has big brown eyes, lips to die for. Tall. Amazing :)